Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Madaming kaibigan namin ang pumunta nuon, parang reunion nga ang nangyari eh. Dumating din, ang pinakalantad na bading sa Batch namin nuon. Panay ang titig sa aming dalawa. Panay din ang kantiyaw sa kanya na ang payat na niya at gustong gusto siya ng bading.
Wala siyang imik, ngiti lang ang binibigay. Halatang asiwa siya, natatawa ako sa kanya. Sabay kaming kumain. Pag may picturan, magkatabi kami. Magkasama kami. Panay ang titig ng bading sa amin.
Medyo nakakainom na ang lahat. ng minsa'y naghiwalay kami, ako, nakikipagkwentuhan kasama ng ibang lalakeng sawi sa pag-ibig, siya naman, sumasayaw kasamaa ang iba naming kaibigan.
Nakita ako ni bading, tinawag ako, may sasabihin daw siyang personal. Lumapit ako, nakinig sa mga sinasabi niya. Gusto daw niya ako dati pa, sana daw naging kami nung College pa. sana daw pumatol ako sa kanya. sana daw dati pa niya ito sinasabi.
Inakbayan ko siya, nanahimik ako, di ko siya gusto dahil lantad siya. Hindi ko siya gusto dahil lalake ako. Hindi pa ako pumapatol sa kahit na kanino. SA KAHIT NA KANINO. Niyakap ko siya, at bumalik kami sa kumpul ng mga tao. Pabiro si bading na nag-aaya ng orgies kasama ng mga kaibigan ko. Nagyakapan kaming tatlo ng mga kaibigan ko at naghahalikan ng leeg para ipakita kay Bading. Natutukso siya, tawa kami ng tawa.
Siguro magugustuhan ko rin siya, pero hindi ngayon. hindi pa ngayon.
Magkasama na kami ni B, ang kaibigan kong kasama ko kani-kanina lang pero sayaw na ng sayaw ngayon, Nakikipagsayaw na rin ako. All-out na ito, panay inom, at sayaw na rin, magkatabi kami lagi, hangga't sa nawala si B, hindi ko namalayan, nasa labas na pala siya suka ng suka. umupo na lang, di na kayang tumayo.
Sinamahan ko, siya, hinahagod ang likod niya, pina-inomm ng tubig, nasa tabi lang niya, panay ang ngiti ko pag napapadaan ang iba at kinakantiyawan siya. Panay din ang kakaibang hagod sa likod pag wala ng mga tao.
Umalis ako. Ayoko ipahalatang sobra ang pag-aalala ko. Nakipagsayaw ulit, inom uli ng kaunti. Nung kakaunti na ang mga tao, binalikan ko siya, andun pa rin, nakapikit, sumusuka pakonti-konti. tuloy ako sa paghagod ng likod niya.
Nagulat ako sa mga sunod na ginagawa niya, dumantay siya sa balikat ko, na parang binibigay na niya ang lahat, walang kyeme sa paningin ng iba. pagkatapos sumuka ng konti ulit, sumandal siya sa balikat ko, at ngayon niyakap naman ako. mahigpit na yakap.
Paulit-ulit. Masaya ako. Napakasaya ko sa loob, pero nahihiya rin ako. ayokong lagyan ng malisya.
Dinala ko siya sa kama, binantayan, masakit mang sabihin pero kelangan kong umuwi, at kasabay ko si Bading. Inowan ko siya duon para magpahinga ng maayos sa kwarto. Gusto ko siyang halikan, ngunit, ang daming makakakita. Alam ng mga tao, pareho kaming lalaki.
Umuwi, kami, kinausap ako ni Bading, kung meron daw bang nangyayari sa amin ni B. sabi ko wala, at hindi ako naglalagay ng malisya, di siya umimik. Nung nasa taxi siya, nagpaalam siyang hahalikan daw niya ako, kami lang makakaalam. Isang beses lang. Hindi ako pumayag, humingi ako ng pasensya.
Kinabukasan, naglabasan na ang mga posts ng tao sa FB kung pano kaming sobrang naging basag at si B, wala daw maalala sa lahat ng ginawa niya.
Nanghinayang ako, nalungkot. Akala ko, pwede na akong magsimula at ma-try ang bago at kakaibang relasyon. Hindi pala. Maghihintay ako uli. Kung may aaminin siya sa akin. aaminin ko rin. KUng gusto niya, gugustuhin ko rin. Wala akong ginawa kundi isipin at isipin ang nangyari sa amin hanggang ngayon.
Talaga bang hindi niya alam yung ginagawa niya nuon?
Hihintayin ko bang malasing kaming dalawa uli?
Ngayon alam ko na ang papel ng alak sa buhay.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Ang bango bango pa ng libro, Nakaka-adik.
The first tip given by the book was to Have Big Expectations.
NO matter how poor you may be, As long as you know how to dream, you have goals and you're pursuing it. Everything will happen in it's own place.
By setting your sights high and not settling for mediocrity, you'll see the difference.
So. I'm writing my Goals. Short term and Long Term.
Short Term would be forgetting Love first and Preparing for NMAT Exam, Rebuilding my life with things na pwede naman na wala sa akin.
Long Term would be, becoming a Doctor, earning a name in my field and gave loads of money.
Way to go M, way to go.
I'll leave you with a qoute given after the topic. It says there,
"I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom." - Anatole France
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
This time is my lowest of the low. Mahirap ang mga nararanasan ko ngayon, Emotional problems are the worst. I can't even explain why I've been bothered.
I need to get up already.
Soon, I'll get up soon. Na-sstress ako sa kakaisip kung ano ba ang nagawa kong mali, nanghihinayang ako sa lahat ng nangyari.
I really don't know how to get my life back. Ayoko na, ayoko ng malunod sa ganitong estado ng buhay ko.
Babangon ako para sa pagbabago.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Knowing you speak your mind beyond complexities and differences makes my heart melt. I love conversations, so if we’re fighting about issues intellectually. we’re doing good. you’re catching my attention on how to make a rebuttal.
Giving me a Jolly Hotdog.
Jolly Hotdog is my comfort food. When a person knew I’m sad, and suddenly gave me one, I will be very happy. Technically, none has given me a jolly hotdog yet. Oh, I fell in love with the last person who gave me one. She’s my ex now.
If you’re not a smoker.
I don’t like smokers. But it doesn’t mean we can’t be best of friends if you’re a smoker. I just don’t see a person who smokes as someone I’ll love make love with.
You watch War Movies
I love people who watch war movies. They seem to know the history. They see gory scenes and most especially they see how hard it is to be in a war. I really love war movies.
If you like to hear Beatles/Eraserheads Songs.
This is a big plus for me! we’re really alike if you love singing to their tunes. I have met only one at the moment who loves this both.
You eat as much as I am.
I love to eat any kind of food. yung tipong hindi maarte. that’s sexy for me.
Who has a deep faith in God.
I don’t believe much in the essence of religion, I care most on your personal relationship with God. As long as you put faith in Him, and would admit that you are nothing without Jesus. I’ll admire you more.
Someone who will accept me.
I’m not gwapo. I’m not buff. I’m not matangkad. I can be the worst lover. I swear. I don’t text much, I don’t like to show off. My parents are strict. Lastly, I’ll be a doctor soon, so probably Medicine and my patients will be your greatest enemy. But don’t fret, my heart is only yours.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
It's been three years since I've had this blog and yet, I do have rare opportunities to publish posts. I seldom write because I'm amazed at the blogs I follow, ended reading all their posts then having no time to write my own.
I am the eldest in our family. I experienced a lot of hardships with my parents back then just to sustain what we have today. We're not rich, but we're surviving.
Isa akong Batangueno na nanirahan sa Manila dati. Batang kalye, pero lumipat kami sa subdivision sa Rizal na nuon kami lang ang nakatira sa buong street at hanggang ngayon kakaunti pa rin ang nakatira sa phase namin, simula nun, wala na ako masyadong kilala sa subdivision namin. Wala naman kasi akong ka-edad na kapitbahay na pwedeng kalaro nun eh.
21 na ako. Nurse na ako since last year. Ang bata ko pa, at mabuti yun dahil gusto ko pa maging doktor. Kung iisipin, 27 na ako magiging ganap na M.D. Dahil next school year ko pa balak pumasok.
Simula nung nag-college naging active na ako sa mga kung ano anong activities, leader ako sa Council nuon, at napaka-busy ko. Workaholic. AFter grumaduate ng Nursing, may trabaho na agad ako as Nurse sa Ospital. After 1 year, tumigil ako dahil sa pagbabalak kong magmed at wala ring saysay kung magpapagod ako as nurse. At sobrang naeenjoy ko ang bakasyon. Ang pahinga bago ang Med Life.
Hindi ako gwapo. Hindi ako matangkad. Wala akong appeal. Isa lamang akong common na tao. May nagmahal sa akin, minahal ko rin siya. Napakaswerte ko sa kanya. Kala ko siya na till the end. Pero mali ako, iniwan niya ako. At ayoko ng magmahal uli.
Nung nag-aaral ako ng nursing, di ko alam kung paano ako nakakapasa pero di talaga ako masyadong pala-aral. Pumasa ako ng boards na nagbabasa basa pero hindi naman todo basa. Kaya nanghihinayang ako minsan dahil alam kong kaya ko higitan yung iba. Kaya sinasabi ko lagi sa sarili ko, di pa ako nag-aaral ng mabuti nyan pero nakakapasa ako, pano pa pag tinodo ko pa. Kaya nahihirapan ako ngayon, kelangan ko matuto paano mag-aral. Paano nga ba mag-aral?
Virgin pa ako. Laging ako at ang kamay ko. Ako at ang kamay ko. Ako at ang kamay ko.
May nangyari sa akin dati. Last year lang, naexperience ko kung paano pagsamantalahan ng kapwa ko. Di ko sila kilala. Malalaki katawan nila. Dalawa sila. Mausok nuon. Sauna sa gym. Kinain nila si jr. Mabilis ang pangyayari. Di na ako nakapalag. Di ko malilimutan.
At masasabi ko pa rin, para sa akin, Virgin pa ako. At hanggang ngayon, Laging ako at ang kamay ko. Ako at ang kamay ko. Ako at ang kamay ko.
Nakita ko isa uli sa sauna sa gym na yun. Sa loob ko, Nanginig ako sa takot. Hindi niya ako pinilit, mag-isa lang siya eh. Imbis tinanong niya ako kung gusto ko daw ba, masarap daw ako, matamis daw ang nilalabas ko. Tumayo ako, Lumabas, di na uli bumalik sa gym na yun. Ang tinding pagmamaliit sa akin nun, post-traumatic.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I Miss You! I miss your Pochero, Hamonado, Dinuguan argh! I miss talking to you, just seeing you. just knowing you’re near I find peace. Please take good care of yourself. wear as many clothes as possible to prevent hypothermia. You’re getting old Lola, take care of what you eat, and please wait for me until I graduate Medicine so I could take good care of you! How Iwish I could have a child right now so he/she can feel your love.
Congrats to your Orals! I know you worked hard for it. Well done! One exam to go tomorrow! Please Don’t get envious at me if I sleep all day 24/7 during these times. You don’t know how hard it was for me during my college days. I don’t even have sembreaks and summers back then. Modesty aside, I’m even part of different extra curricular activities back then, so you don’t know how happy I’m feelin this right now.
Thank you bro! for introducing me running! For motivating me to go on, 10k is hard, never thought I would be able to achieve that. Thank you for all those advice. I’ll try to patch things up but I must say I don’t know when will things be okay again. In time.
I Miss you dude! we really need to talk about a lot of things! There’s a lot of political issues stirring. We have our lives to talk about, our dreams and girls. I hope things are good for you. I would love to talk to you. But on the top of it, I wanna say sorry personally for not being able to close the deal with CCNAPI. I really hope things will be okay and could continue allocate funds for our scholarship.
Being broken is hard! Please, do everything you can to save your relationship, at least no regrets, you did your best. But what the heck, if you’re not happy then go, love yourself more. I hope everything would be good whatever happens. That’s life. We really need to learn more about love. You owe me a lot of food okay!
I miss you ate! You are really my twin, bakit ba pareho tayo ng nararamdaman! Kung maging tayo na lang kaya! hahaha Oh, joke lang yun! :) Huuuuug! Ingat! I can’t wait to see you and then hear you sing Fra Lippo Lippi songs!
I love you! Sorry I can’t say this to you upfront. It’s way too cheesy for me. Thank you, for supporting what I want in Life. Thank you! I will really give back by taking care of you and Dad when you get older. Oh Thank you for appreciating my Chicken curry! I will never forget that night.
Please give me a good grade this time About 80-85! please. Help me to master you! I reaaaallly want to be a MD. time is ticking and you are the only requirement I need to get into a good school.
I’m still hurting. You Broke me apart. I’m still shattering to pieces. I still can;t move on. That maybe is my problem I know. I gave everything, okay my problem again. That’s 4 years. I surrounded my life, dreams, everything. I hope everything goes well for you. and yes, Up until now I don’t want to love anyone because of you.You treated me just like a dress na pag nagsawa ka na, pinalitan mo agad! Tangina. ang sakit. I gave you a second chance, I’m prepared to give you a tird but I chose to walk away. I realized it’s better to give myself the chance naman. I hope you’re happy now for ruining my life.
Thank you Lord for your unending love, mercy and grace. Forgive me for holding back. Renew my heart again. Please make me feel accepted again. Let your will be done Lord. Thanks in advance.
[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Nauseated, Distraught, Demented.
I feel it now. It gushes through my veins.
I can't take it anymore.
I wanna live my own life, the problem is, I can't afford to tell my parents how I feel about my situation, I'm just too insecure.
I want to take medicine, that's all I wanted, but being a Filipino, with such low economy, my parents tend to force me to pursue me as a nurse so I can leave this fucking place and take them after a couple of years.
Don't they know how hard it is to engulf what they want for me.
It's very hard!
How I wish I could tell them that I know, I've had some mistakes in the past, but please support me still on taking Medicine.
I don't want to leave the Philippines. I have a big heart and passion in serving this country.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
There's still this one person I'll also would like to concede as well.
To you Father, I know your plans for me, is to make me prosperous and abundant. I pray that you lead me to your way, and straighten thepath I'm taking.
Forgive me, for I have been harsh, lazy and above all else, a sinner.
Help me grow in your arms. Discipline me, and be with me always.
I'll wait for you, and I cast to you all this burdens I have here in my Heart. I love you Jesus.
May you still accept me as your beloved and priceless son. Thank you.
I for one, is now at this point. The point of Conceding.
I dreamt that I'll become a doctor someday, and up until now, that's the vivid dream I only want to pursue. I thought everything will be on its place, and everything will come smooth. I was wrong.
I got a low score on my NMAT. I was ecstatic. I didn't know what to do. It was all my fault. I didn't prepare for this, and this also meant that I'm not prepared for Medicine at all.
I only applied to one school. my dream school. I don't want to study anywhere but on that school only. I can enter I know, I have high hopes, I'm an alumnus there already, they can accept me. No school should ever turn its back on its fellow alumnus. and again I was wrong.
Months passed, still with high hopes, until one day, the hopes fade away. My life is ruined. I haven't enrolled to any school, and now I lost a school year for me to enter med school. I am losing time. and now I realize, how precious time is.
Now, I have to pay for the consequences, gotta prepare for the next NMAT, gotta have high score! gotta enroll to different SCHOOLS possible and will never lose any time again.
It's hard to accept what's going through in my life, I'm an achiever in my pre-med course. but I'll never forget the Life Lesson it brought to my life.
It became a scar. The scar of conceding.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Ibig sabihin lang nun, ang daming wish ng mga taong gusto nilang gawin.
kahit ako, may gusto rin akong gawin. pero ang hirap sabihin.
on the latter side of life, My Room Assignment for NMAT was released today. I need to be at La Salle Building on Sunday, 7am at Room 312. kinakabahan na ako! I really need to get a high grade. My best chance for Med School.
People Change. Their views, perspective and environment change. ako, hindi pa siguro ngayon, bukas pwede pero ngayon, hindi pa rin ako nagbabago.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
May tomorrow be a perfect day, may you find love and laughter a long life's way, May God keep you, in his Loving care, till he brings us together agai
This was the Lyrics every student sung on the high school and elementary school I went on. at dahil ang bunso naman namin ang grumaduate ngayon, first time din niyang kantahin yung lyrics, at nakikanta ako. Nakakaiyak.
Nakakalungkot yung kanta, kasi ito na ang signal na maghihiwalay na kayong mag-highschool friends to have another journey which is college.
Pero the song would give you Hope as well, na darating din ang araw na magkikita-kita uli kayo, Professional na, Yung iba may mga anak na at halos lahat ay stable na ang buhay.
I miss High School!!!!
Can’t wait to become a Doctor, Have my own Family, and a stable, independent Life.
Monday, March 29, 2010
I will be GREAT!
I will be GREAT!
He came from a good family, kumikita naman ang mga magulang niya ng okay. ganun din naman ang pamilya ko. Now that we've graduated as Nurses. We would really like to earn ng kami lang.
After Graduation, my bestfriend continues to learn their famil business, and I started working as a Nurse.
I evidently stopped from working alrady since I'll push through to Medicine.
But my bestfriend looked for more ways on how to become a Billionaire, he attended seminars, ventured out for new networks.
Up until this day, when he called me to meet up with Him.
I told him, what's up? sabi niya, business proposal. Sabi ko, I wont give any money pare, I don't have any. sabi niya, okay lang, kain lang daw ako.
and so I went. I missed him. I missed the house. I missed his Family. but everything changed.
So the Business came in, the speaker gave some insights. I was enticed. Magaling ang proposal. Maganda ang proposal :)
I ended up eating afterwards which was really the main task why I was there.
HMy bestfriend asked me for comments. sabi ko maganda, pero I don't have money to shoulder anything to start with.
Everyone knows that! My parents don't believe I can do sales. I need to focus on Medicine.
As I was about to get home, Her mom called me, oh Martin, get 1 stock there, sell as much as you can. I told Tita na I can't that's a huge amount of capital. I don't have anything to give. Sabi niya, binbigay ko na yan sayo, I trust in you. Do your part well. I kow you can be a great seller just like your parents. I believe in you.
That was just the most kind and touching words any person could say to me, that they BELIEVE in me.
Nung palabas na ako ng bahay nila, my Bestfriend whispered, Pare, this is our chance to become a Billionaire.
Never ko inakala na naalala pa rin niya ang pangarap naming dalawa and kasama pa rin ako sa pagbuo ng pangarap na yun.
Someday, we'll become Billionaires.
Now, I sell Vitamin C (MEGA C 500) 100 capsules/box 562.43mg/capsule, 750php/ box. contact me @ firstname.lastname@example.org or comment here and i'll bring it to you.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I've always wanted to become a Doctor. It's just seemed to be a burden for me instead of a dream.
Takot ako, sa Pera, sa Investment, sa Lahat.
Mahirap mag-Med, alam ko yun Matagal ang Med, pero pangarap ay pangarap. and every person would want their Dreams to come true.
So moving on, I'll be taking NMAT this April. yun na lang ang hinhintay ko, and I need to get 65 percent at least, para makapasok sa UERM.
I was interviewed already and it seemed okay, so please Lord! sana mataas ang NMAT grade ko! :)
Please everyone, Pray for me :)
Yes, another journey, kung dati iniisip ko pa lang kung paano ako papasa ng pagiging Nurse sa UERM, ngayon iba naman.
Yes, nakagraduate ako as Nurse in UERM, and Yes, nakapasa ako as Registered Nurse sa Board Exam ng PRC last June 2009. Yes, nagtrabaho ako as nurse sa isang private hospital sa Antipolo.
But now, iba naman, iba naman ang tatahakin ko.
I've decided to take Medicine. :)